I Am A Rock - Simon & Garfunkel mandolin cover

Endless Thoughts of Branton Guzman, Day XX [X.XX.XX]

So this is it. I’ve been trying to wind my blog down for a few weeks and this is finally it. All I’ve got is here. But before I go,

I have maintained this blog so that I could have an outlet. Life has been a bitch and I can’t contain all this in. So every one of you that follows me has helped. In the past two days people have unfollowed me for promoting my stuff by reblogging it. Well too bad. Soak is really all I’ve done at this point. Give it a read if you want to, its a few posts down from this.

But what else? Wasn’t I recording some albums? I had planned to release my first 21-song-long album on May 17th. One year after the sunrise I saw that really started it all. 2012 was a very difficult time. My first year out of high school led me down some crazy backroads. But you’ll hear about that in my book, The Last Year. To check that out, just click the page on my sidebar that says “my book.” But as for music, I give up. Unless I can find some people to start a band with, which isn’t going to happen because Florida has only metalheads, I’m done with the massive musical ambition I had just earlier this year. It doesn’t feel worth it.

So I’m living to feel worth it. Going after only the joy I see. Working 40 hours a week, soon to be living on my own. The last step of the transition from teenager to functioning adult. Life is anxious, life is mean. But I’m ready as I’ll ever be. All this being said, let me really get to the bottom of this,

You were always my inspiration. You were my best friend, we had nothing between us. But our hearts. It was probably just me. I always wanted more, and you know you have too at some point. I care about you, your life, your family, your past, your present, your future. I want you here with me, like you said could happen later this summer. I would have helped you. I wanted you to fall in love with Florida, to fall in love with me. Maybe you are in love with me but you don’t know it. The summer is so beautiful here, its almost as pretty as you. You would complement this sunshine state so, so well. Every lovely story and song I’ve written has been to you, in hopes that you would like it or smile from it or figure out some mystery from it. My greatest memory? Honestly? All the times I made you laugh. All the times we were in the store together and I just wanted to put my arms around your little waist. All the times I just wanted to kiss your cute little scar on your forehead. All the times back in high school that I’d flirt with you everyday like a hopeless loser. I miss you. I miss our conversations, I miss your sleepy 2AM voice. I miss our drives. And maybe I miss our dumbass arguments. I miss our emotional connection. After the last two and a half years all I want is to make you happy. And you know the things we’ve been through, the kids we were when we met and the adults we’re becoming now. You know the lies we’ve told, the places we’ve been. The secrets shared and the awkward silences way back when. The tears we cried and the longing goodbyes. For every bit of energy you’ve put into correcting me, for every bit of energy I put into writing for you. I just want you here with me, I want you to be my girl, my best friend. I don’t want nothing like the past, I only want to live in the present with you. If a future were to happen, and I’m not saying it would by any means, I would want it to happen on our time. I don’t want to fly you out here and stick a ring on your finger. I want to take you out, I want to show you every sight there is to see. I want you to wake up on a Saturday morning and say “Brant, let’s fly to LA for the weekend and be back by Tuesday.” I want to go on adventures with you, I want to be inspired with you, by you. I want to breathe clean mountain air with you and I want to run down beaches with you. I want to do everything with you and I just want you to be happy, to learn about the world, about yourself. About me. I just want to live with you at my side. I just want to make you smile. But its all over now. Shit, I don’t think you’ll ever see this. In which case none of this has been worth it. I’m just writing down my thoughts. That’s never been good for me.

Believe me, I do not think you are a perfect person. I don’t think you’re flawless (well you definitely are looks wise.) I know, I know, I want too much for my own good. You’ll never see this, will you? More to drift back off into the soak over the long black of the Atlantic.

Throw it on with the others, on the pile of pretty words that no one will ever care about.